I start my new roles tomorrow. At this stage I am trying to grapple with how I am feeling. With the rush and ongoing emotions that happen with moving across the world with two young children I realize now I haven’t really taken the time to think about how I am feeling, if I am confident, scared, anxious, prepared…or any number of other emotions that at this stage would be legitimate. I guess I just haven’t given myself the opportunity, or more accurately, the permission to take the time to ask myself the question.

How am I doing…?

I find I am moving between moments of intense imposter syndrome when trying to picture myself in these new roles, but also having flashes of confidence and understanding that I could be successful with some time and learning. After over a year separated from face-to-face collaborations and collegiality with other international educators it has been a breath of fresh-air being able to speak with new colleagues about education in optimistic and positive terms. This has me looking forward to the work ahead, but more importantly, it has me excited to be working with the folks here.

I think most of the anxiety, nervousness and lack of confidence comes from a feeling of not knowing, and as a result not being able to support my colleagues to the level I expect of myself. I recognize this, but my next step will be accepting that I don’t have to have every answer on the tip of my tongue and I am allowed to not know (for a little while).

You always start with good intentions, and those intentions turn into grand plans and those plans start strong until the day-to-day becomes the “priority”. There are plenty of excuses for why something doesn’t happen but time, effort, and interest tend to be my biggest barriers to starting something new. I realize I have a lot of interests and commitments that, at any given time, can grab my attention and pull me into a deep rabbit hole of research, reading, viewing and learning. Inevitably taking me away from something else that deserves as much attention.

However, stepping into a leadership role means my focus needs to narrow and I need to build the habits that will allow me to be as successful as possible. If writing as a tool for reflection is something that might help me be a better colleague and leader I need to find the time (currently writing this on the beach while watching my kids build sand castles), focus my effort (not make excuses and just write) and maintain my interest (write short, focused reflections).

With this in mind I’m hoping to post more often. Not following a regular schedule, and not on any particular topic, but as and when I can, focusing on my experiences in a new role and how they are helping me learn to lead.

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