I haven’t written in a few days. It was the weekend, I was focused on enjoying the time and made a choice to not write. It’s funny that starting again this evening had to be another very conscious choice. I am finding that listening to some new music that I don’t know the lyrics to is helping, not sure what it is helping with I suppose, but at least I am typing. Definitely rambling tonight, hoping that my brain latches onto something, otherwise this is not going to be a very engaging read … making a giant assumption anyone is reading.

I found a token from a friend and colleague today, it put a huge smile on my face. It is one of the benefits of moving across the world. You pack things in funny places that appear at the time they are needed most. The token was a gift from a friend in Beijing who moved to England. We had the chance to work together on a few projects and were collegial, but I was honestly surprised when he gave me the token and explained he gave them to people who made an impact in his life. I hadn’t considered that, I was always under the impression that kind of impact was reserved for close personal friendships. In a lot of ways it helped to reshape my own view of what connections and impact can actually look like.

Work was good today, was okay on Friday. I am continuing to see myself more in the roles within this community and have been enjoying it. The days are very long, my email never stops and I think I have to make more decisions on a day-to-day basis than when I’m teaching, but it is enjoyable and reassuring that I moved down this path in my career.

Today was the first day with all of the students back. There were lots of great moments, meeting kids for the first time and getting to build those relationships always makes the tough parts seem easier.

I tried something new with my groups today, as an introduction I said my name, and then gave them the opportunity to ask me 20 questions. It served the same purpose as me giving the tried and true teacher bio intro, but it felt more engaging, it allowed for more opportunity to go off on tangents I wouldn’t have ever thought before. Just another reminder that sharing the load with the kids around you is always a good thing.

The leadership part was up and down today. I made mistakes that created some confusion and headaches. Luckily our colleagues are patient and understanding, but I know that will only last for so long. I owned the mistakes, admitted my own and will try to do better. It wasn’t anything significant, but it was still a true reminder that infallibility does not come with a title.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, getting to meet some new kids again, getting to teach in a gym again, getting to try and avoid making the same mistakes, but knowing I will make new ones. I suppose that is the key, knowing mistakes are inevitable and accepting that, but not dwelling.

The tough part isn’t the work, it isn’t moving, it isn’t teaching or even leading. The toughest part is managing to find the time to be do of these things as well as the father and husband my family deserve. Choices have to be made, time is finite and it isn’t possible to do it all. I guess it is just coming into sharper relief as we are trying to juggle 4 schedules that already conflict. I hope we are able to find solutions that work for everyone, but at this stage I’m not seeing it. I think this is one of those brain worms that will probably cause me to lose sleep tonight. I can’t see a solution and don’t know why I can’t. I know it must be there, but I guess I just haven’t given it enough thought.

Today was another good day. It is nice to be contributing and supporting. Understanding enough to answer questions and starting to get comfortable in front of and moving between new colleagues is a relief. When the orientation started it was pretty overwhelming, but I guess I didn’t see it as overwhelming at the time and just let it wash over me. Honestly, even if I had recognized it I doubt I would have changed anything.

No picture today. I need to get out and explore with my camera. There is a lot of opportunity here but right now it is a ball that can’t be added to the juggling. Hopefully soon.

I had an understood that this was a considerable part of the job, but with a this very strange and challenging start to the year it has definitely been front of my mind. It is reassuring to hear from colleagues that this “isn’t normal”, but from my perspective it is all “normal”, so maybe things will feel a little easier next year. On second thought, I think that might be a bit naive.

Today was a productive day, it felt like a good day. I was able to have multiple conversations with folks who are not just good teachers, but genuinely excited about taking on new challenges that will help continue growing the learning opportunities for students. There is also a definite desire from folks for their own development and growth that I have really enjoyed working with them towards. I have had plenty of opportunities to practice some coaching conversation skills that have become a bit dormant and am finding I am using the skills I have been intentionally practicing for this role.

I had my first face-to-face PHE conversation in awhile today and it was a highlight. I’m excited to be teaching and it was encouraging to be able to plan and collaborate with a colleague who is equally excited about the subject and creating an excellent program. I am really looking forward to seeing the direction the department moves and happy I get to be a part of that.

There have been challenges as well and I am getting some early experience managing personalities and supporting folks as they work through very challenging situations. Ultimately, the challenges are a result of wanting concrete answers that just aren’t available. I think I have made myself approachable and available, and I think I have been working hard to communicate early, often and effectively. I suppose I will have to wait for some more feedback, but for now it feels like a good start. We have new students on campus for the first time tomorrow for a brief orientation, and then on Thursday we jump into a full return.

As the year ramps up I’m not sure I’ll have the energy at night to continue writing this consistently, but more than this developing as a habit I have been finding the time enjoyable and beneficial. If nothing else I have been going to bed and sleeping with a more clear mind.

The challenge is real, I’m genuinely concerned that the multiple role aspect here is going to stretch me too thin. I am keeping my head above water at school with the leadership and coordinator aspects, barely, but managing to do it. However, the teaching role has definitely taken a back seat during the day, leaving me to plan at home until later than I like. This in turn means I’m not spending the time with my family the way I want to. I suppose this is one of the challenges of leadership roles, particularly ones in small schools where there are so many hats to wear.

I am excited about the teaching, being able to focus on my main subject, being able to work with an excited and enthusiastic team is energizing, although I wish there was more opportunity to sit down with them and build some pieces together. It has been nice taking my experience with curriculum review and unit assessment into lesson planning again, it provides such a wider lens to consider my planning and really helps to reinforce all the pieces necessary to build a strong unit.

With a couple of days left before the students arrive it looks like we are on track, minus one crisis, and I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.

In my previous school we did a lot of work around these ideas of volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity and I thought I had experience leading in these situations. As a teacher, or even middle leader, it is easy to get caught in the narrow focus of these within the context of your next lesson, current unit or any other aspect of your day-to-day professional life that might begin to slip out of your control. It wasn’t until yesterday when I had a good insight and introduction into what leadership in these situations actually looks like.

I thought I did, I thought I had a handle on what was necessary. I realize I was naive, or maybe arrogant, that distinction is best left to others I suppose. Being faced with the numerous pieces that come with an unexpected event that has a direct, immediate and tangible impact on the majority of the community is intense. I am immensely grateful to have colleagues mentoring me through this process who see the pieces I don’t see. I have to do my best to check my ego, realize I can only do as much as I know (and right now that is very little) and help where and how I can.

The next few days will be challenging, the next few weeks and months will be more so, but the impression I have of the school and community so far has shown me nothing but resiliency and adaptability and I am excited to be able to work with this group of folks as we all get to solve some major problems together.

Note – we(family and school) are all safe and nobody was ever in any physical danger.

This is a question that has been on my mind constantly since we made the decision to return to Canada at the start of COVID. It was an easy decision in the moment, made with the best intentions to keep our family safe. But what if…

We would be at a much different school, one which I do not think would have been able to offer the opportunities we have now.

We would not have been able to spend almost 2 years in BC, close to my Mom and giving our kids a chance to build a relationship with her that would have been impossible given our lifestyle and professional goals. That alone is priceless.

We wouldn’t have had the experience of working back in BC and getting the chance to clear some of the jaded perspective we held about it. It was definitely an experience that has made me a more empathetic leader and one, in hindsight, I wouldn’t trade.

Until this year I have rarely considered this question, I didn’t find the process of reflecting on a hypothetical valuable. But at this stage it is allowing me to see the good in the path we have followed. Yes, I miss aspects of what could have been, and regret aspects of our old lifestyle that has been lost, but given all of that I still don’t think I would change anything.

I had my first day with all the faculty yesterday, the feedback was positive, they are a good group of educators who definitely make the school feel like a community. It reinforced we made a good decision and managed to land in the right spot for us at the right time.

What if…I think I will continue asking the question, but on a smaller scale, helping me to reflect and recognize opportunities in my day-to-day life and work. One of the other pieces I have learned recently is how important it is to be focused on the moment and what is to come, rather than dwell on what was.

It is amazing how much confidence comes from time, and how easy it can be to forget how hard it is being new. Being in a role where the expectation is often to have an answer or solution brings this into sharp focus very quickly. But today was a good day, the first day where I felt I was contributing, supporting and finally taking some steps towards leading. I was able to start drawing on my strengths and doing work, it felt good to be able to have answers to questions, to be able to surprise colleagues by having pieces in place and to not get lost walking through campus (that was the big one!).

Tomorrow will be the real test when all colleagues are back and a lot of the grace of being new will start to run out when the operational questions, day-to-day anxieties begin, and again towards the end of next week when kids return and there is no grace.

It takes time, I get that, and I know it is not supposed to be easy, but it felt good to be able to reflect on some good first steps. Now, here’s hoping to not tripping over my laces tomorrow.

I am not sure why this comes to mind, I think partially because a lot of our mistakes can be attributed to not changing habits, or at least not recognizing when a habit needs to be changed. I have habits I need to change and I made some mistakes today that led to frustration with myself and those around me. It wasn’t fair and I know I can do better, but I also know I can’t bury those feelings or they will build up to something bigger. It wasn’t anything in particular, I learned something that stuck with me and that led to me being preoccupied for longer than I should have been, which then led to me not being focused where I needed to be focused.

I have a habit of fixating on situations largely out of my control, searching for a change or solution when there isn’t one, when I know there isn’t one, but I continue to try and be the hero who solves the problem. It is tough to accept that sometimes problems aren’t to be solved, and that the situation requires a change in perspective and developing new habits to help make the new reality more manageable. We’ll see how that realization goes, I expect a lot of mistakes to continue being made, but hopefully in the service of new habits that help me be better.

Aside – I realize my writing is less than polished, it rambles, is disjointed and poorly constructed. It is largely a stream of consciousness process where I use a writing app called “Flowstate” that has a feature where if I stop typing for 5 seconds all of the previous writing is deleted, no copy and paste, no saving, it is just a process of writing with minimal revisions. I can set the timer and am up to 5 minutes, which is a challenging amount of time to write continuously coherently, so if you have at this stage have managed to wade through this, or any of my recent posts, it is appreciated.

After so long in the same school I think I took for granted the connections I had made with colleagues. I know I definitely underestimated the time and effort necessary to re-establish those easy and comfortable connections that come with time. I don’t think I have that luxury of time in my new roles, or at least I am going to have to change some of my own personal habits around building connections that might allow them to form more easily. This isn’t easy for me, my clear understanding of how I work well, how I build relationships and how I can be effective is coming into conflict with my growing understanding that none of that really matters if I want to be the type of leader I think I might be able to be. I know it means I can’t wait for connections to form naturally or organically and have to proactively seek them out.

I was able to start this process today, choosing to seek connections and conversations I wouldn’t have previously. Choosing to sit at a busy table during lunch, asking questions, laughing, talking about education and sharing challenges was a great reminder of what I need to do and how it will help.

I’m tired, it is a different type of energy and I need to build that endurance, but as I look forward my anxiety around all the recent change is quickly turning into excitement and that is a relief.